It's me: Stephanie!

It's taken me a long time to figure this out. I am a recovering people-pleaser. I used to say 'yes' to helping everyone, no matter how busy I was. It drove me crazy. You can't please everyone, even when you're trying to do the right thing or the nice thing. And I worried too much about who liked me, who didn't, what they liked about me so I could do that more. Yea...it was pitiful. At the time, though, I thought I was doing myself a favor by caring so much about this kind of stuff. I may have been the only one that wasn't happy through it all.

A few years ago, I decided it was my turn to be happy. I had lots of reasons to be happy, but I was so focused on others that I missed the most important person: me.

You might say it's God that we should strive to make happy, and we should strive to do that. But I think what makes Him happy is that we are truly happy and that we are truly enjoying all that He's given us. I know I am happy seeing my kids happy and my husband, like the kind of happy he is when we go to Disney World. THAT happy! :)

A little deeper...

It's not always easy to be happy, even when you have a wonderful husband, like I do, and great kids, like I do. It's not easy to be happy when you suffer from feeling anxious or depressed all the time, like I do. At least, I used to feel like that all the time. (I'll share more about this later.) You miss a lot of moments, worrying about stuff that no one else seems to notice or care about. You spend a lot of time worrying about events that will probably never happen; at least, you hope not, because you worry about the probability of it happening to you, too.

It's not that you don't WANT to be happy. You CAN'T be happy. Who can be happy when there are accidents to prevent, falls to block, and unexpected events to prepare for? It's like trying to keep up with real life, plus various alternate universes, filled with events that could take place, and if you react this way, this happens verses a different reaction creating a different outcome. And within each of those parallel universes, there are several other parallel universes that branch off, depending on your reaction to that one incident. It's exhausting to think about, and it happens all...day...long.

Letting go...

So, when I decided to be happy, I had to let go of a lot: negative thoughts, people, beliefs, and emotions. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, because I felt alone, at times. I felt alone before, with all of my worrying and sadness, but this was a different kind of alone. I had to do it. No one could do it for me. It was scary and terrifying. I wanted to cry a lot of times, and many times, I did. I wanted to give up. It was hard work. And it took courage, and well...I wasn't brave. I didn't think so, at least. But I wanted to, and that was a start.

I listened to and attended seminars on positive thinking, the power of positive affirmations, read books on changing my life, exercised, and took better care of myself through diet and nutrition and using essential oils. There was lots of prayer and scripture study, because for me, these are essential. I did what I could to surround myself with good, kind, and inspiring people.

Because of all of this, I am so much better now! Do I still have Anxiety? You betcha! Depression? Yep! But they don't rule my world every day. They don't fill my brain with unnecessary thoughts, guilt, or worry every moment of every day.

Free at last!

I am free...for the most part! :) I find myself doing things I love again! And I love to do a lot of things now that bring me joy- like drawing, lettering, spending time with friends (and not worrying about what they think of me the whole time), taking pictures of my family, and taking selfies (even if my kids think it's not cool for us 'old' folks! I love laughing at myself when I make a ridiculous mistake. I love singing out loud in the car with my family! I love sharing my love for others and telling myself wonderful things I love about myself, all the while praying to be humble, faithful, and to do God's will. I love who I am now, and I love that I'm not perfect or even trying to be anymore! I love how I feel now- at peace, filled with love, and filled with joy!